Tongue
Fu
In a verbal
attack, our instinctive reactions are to strike back in anger with
a tongue-lashing or be tongue-tied in fear. These produce negative
outcomes. A more positive response, based on the martial arts’
concept of redirection, is Tongue Fu. One who attacks us is not
viewed as an opponent but as a partner joined with us in a dance
of conflict; for it takes two to tango. The aim of Tongue Fu is
to redirect the steps in our dance from harm to peace. Following
the principle to REDIRECT aggression,
the way of Tongue Fu is to…
Respect
your partner.
Based on a reverence for all people, respect is the heart of martial
arts. Seeking peace with all people, martial arts call us to respect
even those who try to harm us. To disrespect, shame, or put down a
person provokes hostility. But respect disarms aggression, for respect
expresses the power of love, a spiritual force that can transform
enemies into friends.
Express
agreement.
Soft martial arts seek to harmonize, join, or blend with an attack
rather than opposing an attack. Meeting force with force results in
harm. Rather than countering attacks with argument or hard words,
harmonize with your partner by finding common ground and agreement.
Do not resist, but flow with the attack. Once you sufficiently harmonized
with your partner, deal with points of disagreement.
Defuse
hostility.
Martial arts seek to disarm rather than to provoke aggression. Reacting
with insults, sarcasm or threats escalates aggression. But empathy,
humor, and affirmation defuse hostility. Empathy identifies with your
partner’s feelings. Appropriate humor (not sarcastic or humiliating)
transforms seriousness. And affirmation encourages your partner with
positive regard.
Inquire
with questions.
Martial artists use distractions to draw attention away from a line
of attack. In the same way with Tongue Fu, ask respectful questions
to draw a person’s attention away from his/her verbal attack.
Use questions to engage your partner’s mind. By using questions,
call your partner to respond to reason rather than react with emotion.
Refocus
on the problem.
Martial arts aim to neutralize aggression, not the aggressor. In most
attacks the focus often becomes personal, provoking more defensiveness.
To shift the attack, refocus on the real issue. To do this, ask your
partner, “What’s the problem?” Ask what s/he sees,
thinks, and feels. Once the underlying issue is identified, then “attack”
the problem, not the person.
Explore
solutions.
To restore harmony, martial artists seek balance with the partner.
There is no peace if one comes out on top and the other looses face.
Attack the problem by exploring solutions for a win/win outcome. To
do this, ask the partner what s/he needs to happen. State what you
need to happen. And then ask how you both can get what you need. (Refer
to the Stop Light model)
Convey
“I” statements
Seeking to deescalate aggression, martial arts takes a defensive stance.
Offensive reactions escalate aggression. Because pointed “You”
statements are often perceived as offensive and provoke resistance,
use defensive “I” statements to set boundaries and assert
yourself. Use phrases like I need… I want… I don’t
want… I don’t like… I will… I won’t…
Talk
with confidence.
Martial artists take a confident stance to disarm aggression. Reacting
with fear or anger fuels agitation. In a nonthreatening manner, talk
with confidence to radiate a calm, friendly strength. Let the positive
energy from this elicit a positive response from your partner.
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